


NHL DINOSAUR HUNTING/RESCUE UNIT

by Byaghro, khasael, MajaLi



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Crossover, Dinosaurs, Inspired by a Movie, Jurassic World Spoilers, M/M, Movie Spoilers, Notfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4365371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Byaghro/pseuds/Byaghro, https://archiveofourown.org/users/khasael/pseuds/khasael, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajaLi/pseuds/MajaLi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It really shouldn't be any surprise to anyone that Geno Malkin decides to visit Jurassic World to see the dinosaurs (after all, there's a reason there's an entire tumblr dedicated to pictures of him with animals). But when things go wrong and Geno ends up stranded, it's up to Sidney Crosby to put together a team to rescue his boyfri--er, teammate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	NHL DINOSAUR HUNTING/RESCUE UNIT

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, this is the result of Khas and Byaghro (Esby) seeing _Jurassic World_ together, on a second viewing, mostly to bitch about plot issues and things like "DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE PREVIOUS FILMS/BOOKS, WTF" (and also maybe partake in some Chris Pratt appreciation *cough*). And then one of them said something about Geno totally being ALL OVER that petting zoo scene from early on, in the car that night, and then this happened the next damned morning via email and chat, only MajaLi (Zandra) got roped into it early on, and... just...
> 
> Sorry not sorry, okay?
> 
> (also, if anyone actually wants to write the actual fic, I'm pretty sure we'd love you forever)

**Khas** : So. The petting zoo area. With the wee!triceratops, and the compy flock (shh, apparently we are ignoring that they're supposed to be venomous, according to the books, okay?), and the feeding of the bb!brontosaurus and whatnot.

You know--you KNOW--Geno would be all over that shit. Like, the second he got wind of it, or the park opened, he would be pulling any and all strings to get a ticket. And if he could finagle some sort of PR-related VIP thing (they DID mention celebrity visits spike when there's a new attraction), so much the better.

Meanwhile, Sid is getting all sorts of tension headaches, looking at Geno's instagram, and all the photos of him with dinosaurs. ESPECIALLY when the ones he's posing with/near just keep getting bigger and having more teeth. But also, like, he's trying to convince the PR person/anyone on staff who's dealing with Geno on his visit, "no, look, seriously, count all your animals before he leaves, especially if they can feasibly fit in some sort of luggage."

And then all the JW/Indominus Rex bullshit happens (or some other park safety systems failure, if not movie!canon shit), and Geno's stranded.

And Sid organizes an NHL rescue unit.

Flower blocks or catches things when necessary. Kaner zips right through some tiny opening to get to safety and flip a switch or whatever. Tazer intimidates some dinosaur with his own cold, dead murder!eyes. Ovi somehow manages not to get eaten, even given the number of smartass comments he's making and the stupid, reckless-looking things he's doing.

 

 **Zandra** : NHL DINOSAUR HUNTING UNIT MOBILIZE

Chris Pratt does the whole "They've found a new alpha" thing and Tazer just stands up like "Oh, okay, I can work with that." Afterwards, Sid is all salty and spluttery and Tazer just smirks at him and says "Mark Messier Leadership Award" and they can definitely hear Sid's SCREECH OF INDIGNATION on the MAINLAND

"I won one of those, too, dammit! TWO if you count the old monthly awards!!"

"Psh, yeah, in like 2010. You're getting soft, Crosby. See if I let you captain Team Canada in Pyeongchang."

Sid: *RAPTOR!SCREECH OF INDIGNATION AND FURY*

Kaner: Oh, hey, look, they think you're challenging Tazer

Sid: *growls and whacks raptor on nose with his hockey stick*

Raptor: *makes a startled noise and hides behind Tazer*

Segs: *is definitely attempting to wrangle/climb/ride on a raptor*

Flower and Jamie: *do not get paid enough to deal with this*

 

 **Esby** : All I can see is Jamie trying to politely, in truly horrible Spanish, convince a boat captain to take them even kind of near the island.

Finally Sid shouts, "Will you stop being so fucking Canadian? I would like to go rescue my boyfriend NOW!" Everyone freezes & then turns to stare at him. "Um, teammate, I meant teammate."

He then proceeds to give the captain a huge wad of cash & they're on their way.

Kane tugs on Jonny's arm & whispers, "PLEASE tell me we're going to address the 'so fucking Canadian' thing."

Jonny watches Sid pace for a moment before replying, "Not yet, but yes. Keep a list."

Kane whoops & pulls out a notebook. Once he realizes several of the guys are staring at him he mutters, "Uh, working on some strategy."

He's not the best at French but he's pretty sure Fleury just said, "Is that what they're calling it these days?"

 

 **Zandra** :  Kaner would 100% pull an Indiana Jones dive-under-the-door-and-reach-back-for-his-hat move

 

 **khas** : At one point, he's got to get through some tiny opening, and he's elected. Because, if they've met up with Geno at this point, there's no way in fuck he's fitting through. And as for Tazer, and Sid, well...

Hockey!ass gets in the way

 

 **Zandra** : Geno's just like "Is okay, Sid. Ass still perfect to me. *pats it*"

 

 **khas** :  Meanwhile, Tazer is grumbling, and Kaner's smirking about how he was totally the one who saved the day, and Jonny's ass almost got them killed

 

 **Zandra** :  They run into a bunch of completely lost Swiss tourists and Kaner and Segs are just like WE TOTALLY GOT THIS

Jamie is salty for like AN HOUR because he hates the reminder that Segs and Kaner totally got it on in Biel while Kaner and Tazer were on a break, even though Segs hadn't even been traded to Dallas at that point

Tazer is SMUG AS FUCK that someone is finally siding with him for a change

 

 **Khas** : I totally just reread all this and thought "needs more Ovi". And then heard "everyone needs more Russians!" in my head

 

 **Zandra** : Let's be real, Ovi is totally the deus ex machina in all this. They fight through an island of dinosaurs, they find Geno, they tame a pack of velociraptors, and at the climax they're trapped between an Indominus and a Tyrannosaurus, or there's some natural disaster looming, and it's all very dramatic and hopeless WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN 

OVI 

AND THE RUSSIANS

IN, LIKE, A HELICARRIER

 

 **Esby** : Does Ovi show up at the end to save the day or does he come with them for comedy but keeps saying, "his men" are on the way. And no one believes him until said dramatic moment when OSHIE & Backstrom & the other Caps show up in the helicarrier? And Kaner is grumpy FOREVER that Broshie pulled their asses out of the fire. Also, Ovi claps Backstrom on the back & says to Sid, "See, this is how you rescue boyfriend."

 

 **Zandra** : OH MY GOD YESSSSSSS

And Ovi is just cackling triumphantly at EVERYONE over the roaring of the helicarrier

"SO DISAPPOINTED, SID. OF COURSE EVERYONE COME FOR ZHENYA AND ZHENYA'S BOYFRIEND"

"IF I LET ALL THE SECOND-BEST PLAYERS IN THE NHL GET EAT, SERYOZHA HAVE MY HEAD"

"NOT EVEN GOING TO MENTION VITYA AND ARTEM AND ARTEMI. BLACKHAWKS FINALLY RECOGNIZE GREATNESS OF RUSSIAN PLAYERS, HOW I'M LET CAPTAIN GET EAT BY DINOSAUR?"

Tazer just off in a corner grumping like, " _ **I**_  badassed the raptors,  _ **I**_  intimidated the Indominus,  _ **I**_  wouldn't have gotten eaten."

But he's still gotta give Ovi (and BROSHIE, UGH) a free check in their next game against Washington. A WORSE FATE THAN DEATH.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah, that happened. Also, that tumblr does exist, because of course it does. http://evgenimalkinwithanimals.tumblr.com/

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Jurassic Geno](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7246036) by [Shellbell2284](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shellbell2284/pseuds/Shellbell2284)




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